Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
You take the oxy out of oxymoron