I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I feel seen
Genius idea!!
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats