I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
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I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.