I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.