Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
technically true but not a great slogan
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?