ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé