Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
This one’s “Alex”.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
this is uni
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
she has a point
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…