ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage