Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Same pineapple, same
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
only 11 steps left
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..