Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture