Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
you have three unread messages
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.