My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
You Might Also Like
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.