MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout