[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be