please stand back I’m about to make this worse
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Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.