ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
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john wicks are toilet candles
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
good let them take over I have had enough
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.