Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
When someone trying to leave me
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
This is why I hate group projects
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry