Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.