me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in