me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right