me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
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you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.