Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Beware…..
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…