Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
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ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
This is the best one I’ve seen
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.