Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick