me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Feels like the fourth month in January
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️