Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle