Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds