Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.