Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I had to Stop for this
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.