Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”