ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.