Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
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Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.