Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
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I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
August 8
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.