Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic