TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?