ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I can’t stop laughing at this
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
real
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.