Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If only.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls