Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
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Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*