ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
How do you milk an almond?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!