ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”