ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Okay me first
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”