ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.