me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
how much for the angry fruit?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”