Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
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Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?