ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
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This is not me but this is me
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Duck typos.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.