Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!