Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
😅🤣😂
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn