[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.