[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Why is everyone getting married at me
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.