[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
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I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I drew y’all a little something.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.