@Kyle_Lippert: [Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
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@meganamram: I don't need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me
@TodaysResume: During your interview, try ending every sentence with "dot jpg". "How would you say you handle job pressure?" --Not a problem.jpg
@AntiJokeJamal: A lion walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.
@joshweller: Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!