[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
🍞🦆
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.