@matt___nelson: [me narrating a documentary on urchins] "look at these boring moist porcupines"
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@CaseyMichelle__: Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here
@CooperLawrence: Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
@PaperWash: Perfect Date: 1) Get kids out of the house 2) Light some candles 3) Burn the house down 4) Collect the insurance 5) Take her somewhere nice
@jwoodham: Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.