@matt___nelson: [me narrating a documentary on urchins] "look at these boring moist porcupines"
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@Sanbel11: I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl. It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
@CornOnTheGoblin: ♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪ [Take on bees] ♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫ [Take on bees] Ooouch I'm stuuuuung ♪ Too many Beeeeees ♫
@ArfMeasures: WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
@Dil_Tron: [bar closing time] Do you wanna come over to my place? Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah Ok hold on.. *dials phone* Mom? Can you pick me up now?