[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do